A few people have asked why I decided to share my story and why I have left religion. I will attempt to explain why I decided to share my story. To really understand you would need to read the how, and the story of my exit from religion. I began writing this in July 2019. Finally in November 2019 I finished it.
As I've gone through life I have seen many injustices. I have experienced firsthand or interacted with people with first hand knowledge of the effects of gang violence, drug abuse, alcoholism, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and some downright rotten bullies. I've gone through plenty of my own traumatic experiences. They just don't stop happening.
With what I'm going through every time I meet a new person, shake a hand, give or receive a hug, I run a risk of catching some random cold. While my immune system is suppressed I have little or no protection against the common cold. I stay away from public places, and I don't normally shake peoples hands. When I have guests over I ask them to not come if they are sick or have kids that are sick, or feel the slightest bit sick. In March 2018 I caught a cold. It was a worrisome time. I began writing my story at that time. I didn't want to die without having told as many people as possible about my experiences.
As the year progressed and medical situations kept coming up I really wanted to share my story. However, it was more important that I survive what I was going through than that I share my story. But why did I want to share it? Why was that important? Well, I'll try to offend as few people as possible with my answer, but please note. If you want to learn, if you want to realize what it means to have critical thinking skills, please keep reading. Hugh B Brown said that you must be prepared to follow wherever truth and fact leads. If you take offense easily then you should stop reading.
I don't feel hurt by a deity in which I once believed. I don't feel hurt from things other people have or have not done. I once felt hurt, but I no longer do. I haven't felt hurt since prior to my departure from church. I have nobody to blame but myself. I'm the one that chose to listen to what was said without fully researching religion. I'm the one that didn't think things all the way through. However, I do see the hurt in others eyes.
I see hurt in people from not being able to be who they feel their god wants them to be. I see hurt in the eyes of people that do all that they can to meet their god's commandments, but it's never enough to be blessed the way somebody else is blessed. I see hurt in the eyes of people that are shunned by their families for not believing a story to be true. I see the pain in the eyes of people that are, while on the outside accepted by their families, are actually rejected due to extra body piercings, tattoos, or other lifestyle choices.
I see pain that is caused by religion. I see the pain in others eyes, even whey they don't see it themselves. How does religion cause pain, even if it's unknown? I think it was put most eloquently by one Christopher Hitchens at the end of a debate in 2010. I recommend you watch it, but here is his statement:
"So when I say, as the subtitle of my book, that I think religion poisons everything, I’m not just doing what publishers like and coming up with a provocative subtitle, I mean to say it infects us in our most basic integrity. It says we can’t be moral without Big Brother, without a totalitarian permission. It means we can’t be good to one another, it means we can't think without this. We must be afraid, we must also be forced to love someone who we fear, the essence of sado-masochism and the essence of abjection, the essence of the master-slave relationship and that knows that death is coming and can’t wait to bring it on. I say this is evil. And though I do, some nights, stay at home, I enjoy more the nights when I go out and fight against this ultimate wickedness and ultimate stupidity. Thank you."
There's a lot to that statement. I'll touch on a few points. In the same discourse a church leader can say "Man is that he might have joy, not guilt", and go on to tell you "to perform every duty, keep every law, and strive to be as perfect in our sphere as our Heavenly Father is in his." So don't have a guilt trip, but be perfect. No matter who you are that train of thought causes psychological trauma. It teaches you that you are never good enough, no matter what you do. Am I interpreting this wrong? No, I'm not. See Mosiah for some doctrine.
One of the Christian commandments is to love a person that commands you to be perfect. Not only does he command perfection, but will chastise you, with eternal torment, for not being perfect and not loving him. As a young teenager I kept commandments because I was scared of the punishments for not keeping the commandments. I was told by my youth leaders and parents that it starts that way, and eventually you learn to keep the commandments because you love God.
I thought this was normal. It continued to be normal. That is, it was normal until I went through what I've gone through. Then I realized this is actually Stockholm syndrome. I came to love somebody that I feared. Somebody that told me I would be punished eternally if I didn't love them. How much choice do you really have? In this hand, if you love me, I'll bless you beyond measure. However, in the other hand, if you don't love me, face eternal torture for not loving me. Well, you only have as much choice as you allow yourself to have.
The first time I heard Christopher Hitchens explain that to be a Judeo-Christian (Judaism, Christianity, Islam) required one to want to be a slave I thought that was a ludicrous statement, and false. When I called myself a Christian I had never wanted to be a slave. I set out through a course of study to prove him wrong. I didn't just doubt it, and not think about it. If there is one thing I've learned in life it is that if you doubt not and do not study the difficult issues you will never truly know if a statement is true. You will simply believe or hope. Truth doesn't have anything to fear from a full and honest investigation. Well I was proven wrong. I didn't have to look any further than the D&C to be proven wrong. I didn't have to read any commentary, somebody's interpretation, or somebody's talk on it. All I had to do was read one section, section 76. I have reviewed that fairly extensively in another post, so I wont dive completely into that, but I will a little.
Imagine that somebody has placed you in an environment that they created for you. They explained you that if you would learn to love them they would give you all you needed, and more. A part of the condition would be that if you don't love them they will torture you so long as you live. Could you possibly consider that loving, or would it be an act of evil? To start with you probably wouldn't see it as loving, but that wouldn't mean the captors weren't good to you. After enough time you would probably start to see the entire situation as loving. Your captor is giving you a great place to live, provides for you, gives you what felt like love, nutrition, shelter, and otherwise met your needs, usually. They even told you that you were free. Eventually they might even give you free reign in the environment, control over your needs, and the freedom to leave when you want.
Why would they do this? Thay have you trained in such a way that you will always return to them. You will always be dependent on them. They know that you will always return. They have trained you to be that way. This environment would be such that you may not even realize you are a prisoner, or a slave, because it doesn't feel that way. If this was done to you everybody around you would consider this to be a pure act of evil. You wouldn't even know you are in pain because you wouldn't be able to see it. If somebody pointed it out to you the chances that you would listen or give it any thought are slim to none. If you eventually did have the courage to ask your captor if they had put you in this situation they would not tell you they had. They would tell you that they provide what you need, when you need it, and they know when you need what you need, better than you do. Yet this is exactly what the whole of Christianity believes in.
Many people in the LDS church assume that Satan's plan was to force you do do what he wants. Personally I thought it was closer to 2 Nephi 2, that his plan was to not have a law. That being said, the only scriptural proof of any deity forcing others to do as they want is the deity the Christians consider to be God. He is the only being that will force all to bow to him. He is the one that has said he will force all that do not want to be exalted to be his servants, to serve him the way he wants them to serve him. That's the mormon version. For the rest of Christianity you will just plain be forced to do what god wants you to do, be it praise him forever or wallow in a lake of fire and brimstone. It's nice to think of him as the Robin Williams character Genie from Aladdin, but really he is Jaffar.
Having had my eyes and mind opened more than they have ever been I have seen the pain that is caused in others lives because they are in this same type of environment. They have been trained, as had I, to only see the way their captor wants them to see it. They can't see the pain because they are inside it. Looking on it from the outside I can see it. I can't help but try to help others see the truth. They can't see that if somebody tried to do this to them in life they would be evil, but that but when God does it, it is considered holy.
In other people I see pain that due to their life not going, regardless of the effort they put into it, the way their religion says it should be. I see pain that exists because regardless of a persons desire to be or do something that their religion teaches them to do or be, they are unable to be or do. They then feel damned forever because their leaders tell them they are damned for being who they are. They must change who they are in order for Jesus to accept them. They are dirty. Well, at least that is what the church teaches them.
If I can help even one person see the truth of life then I will have accomplished more than I have accomplished in the prior years of my life combined. The church will tell you the following: If the prophet speaks it, it is as though it came from god himself. They will then tell you to come to conference to listen to the voice of a prophet. Why should I do that? Well, the response is because he will speak the word of god. The church will then tell you "It should be remembered that not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine. It is commonly understood in the Church that a statement made by one leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though
well-considered, opinion, not meant to be official or binding for the whole Church.”. Well, which is it? All of the church leaders are sustained as prophets, seers, and revelators. So are their teachings just the teachings of men, though the be well thought out, or are they the word of god? Please, make up your mind!
The church, while you may not realize it, does all it can to prevent you from thinking, actually thinking, about the scriptures. They will tell you to have a little less WIFI and a little more Nephi. In the same conference they will tell you (see the same talk linked in the prior paragraph) that you should only rely on the church for true doctrine. Ok, that's fine, the church can teach its own doctrine. They will only provide you with the information that want you to hear, so please think about the full details. They've already provided you with some, but only some. Let's imagine a little more Nephi. Think back to Nephi when God commanded him to kill Laban. Have you ever thought through that entire scenario? I bet you haven't. I will help you. Let's start earlier, when Nephi and company arrived to the first stop on their adventure.
Laban had a household. He was a wealthy enough person to have servants. Based on The Law of Moses, which they lived, information from future verses, and the biblical use of servant, these servants were probably a mixture of paid workers, indentured servants, and slaves. He had a history of the people kept on brass plates. The vast majority of ancient writ was kept on papyrus or clay tablets, so Laban was a very important person. He was also rather intelligent. Chances are he had a few guards, maybe even personal bodyguards. For the most part a stupid person would not just happen to be this important.
Laman goes and tries to get the plates, Laban thinks he's a thief and attempts to have him killed. Laman manages to escape a la Jason Bourne. The explanation of how this happens is a little strange, but let's not quibble about that. Nephi and company go get their precious things they had left behind to use as money to purchase the plates. Now, an intelligent person would think something like "Hey, the guy already thinks Laman is a thief. Let's not have him come in with us to try to purchase the plates.". However, that is not what happens.
When the group arrives at Laban's house, including Laman, they enter with their precious things, gold, and silver. Laban denies a trade. As a smart person, being as evil as Laban is made out to be, seeing their precious things and desiring them, would have said "Sure, hand me the stuff, you can have the plates". After that transaction he would have said something like "Thank you, and oh, I lied. Servants, kill them!". But, that's not what it says happened. So let's get back to what it says happened. Nephi and company again escape. They somehow decided to bring all of their stuff with them as they flee the house and then dropped it in order to escape. There's a fairly good chance that Laban has a butler of some sort or people at the doors, maybe even guards that would prevent somebody from escaping. Logistically this entire sequence doesn't make sense, but whatever, it's what exists.
Later Nephi returns and finds Laban passed out from having too much alcohol. This is where things get really interesting. God tells Nephi to kill Laban; it's better that Laban die than Nephi's descendants not have The Law of Moses (please understand what law this was, and read it. Don't just gloss over it, but read it. It's morally bankrupt.). The justification for this execution is: attempted murder, disobeying god (yes, disobeying god), and theft. Our society would not permit a revenge execution in this case, but apparently it's good enough for god. While important, it's not the main point of this story.
Nephi doesn't want to, but is convinced to kill Laban. Ok, let's stop for a moment. Nephi didn't want to kill Laban. He hadn't ever killed anybody, and didn't want to start. The book then says:
"18 Therefore I did obey the voice of the Spirit, and took Laban by the hair of the head, and I smote off his head with his own sword."
Ok, wait, stop. He went from I've never killed, I don't want to do this, to not only "I'm gonna kill Laban", but "I'm going to kill him by chopping his head off!". Forget that god could have simply let Laban die due to alcohol poisoning (he was drunk), or just kept him passed out, or made sure that when Laban fell from passing out that he hit his head and died. Nephi, rather than simply stab laban in the gut, heart, lungs, torso, pretty much anywhere that it was known you could kill somebody, holds Laban by his hair and cuts his head off. Seriously think about this. He want from I don't wanna, to cutting a head off. That sounds like a sociopathic ISIS recruit, not somebody that doesn't want to kill but is convinced to do so.
Never did the book say that the spirit told Nephi to cut his head off, only to kill Laban. He could have done so by a blow to the back of the head. Nephi could have simply tied, bound and gagged Laban. Ok, had he not been killed he would have been able to seek vengeance and hunt Lehi and his family down. Only, since he's dead he can't. Except, remember, he's a rather important person. Somebody would have gone looking after the person that killed him. And when they found that Zoram was gone, if he had any family, they would be questioned. If Laban was such an evil person chances are the people around him were just as evil. Just imagine what they would have done to the family or friends of a traitor, or worse, the person that they may think killed Laban, Zoram. Ok, enough about that verse.
Let's keep going, on to the next verse.
"19 And after I had smitten off his head with his own sword, I took the garments of Laban and put them upon mine own body; yea, even every whit; and I did gird on his armor about my loins."
After Nephi kills Laban he mocks him. "I had smitten off his head WITH HIS OWN SWORD". That's not humble at all. That's not "I didn't want to kill him, but I will to follow the Lord's commands, so I did, and I didn't enjoy it, but I did it". That's "ha ha, sucka!". Then he takes the garments of Laban. We don't know for sure how this happened, but it was one of two ways. 1) Nephi knew there was going to be lots of blood, no matter how he killed him, so he stripped Laban of his clothes prior to what we would call cold blooded murder. 2) He didn't think about it ahead of time and after the deed was done took the bloody clothes. Laban had armor on and it would have been difficult to remove without stirring the man, so it would make sense to kill him first. However, let's go with option 1, Nephi new the mess the would result from the murder and took the clothes of Laban prior to beheading him.
Next verse:
"20 And after I had done this, I went forth unto the treasury of Laban. And as I went forth towards the treasury of Laban, behold, I saw the servant of Laban who had the keys of the treasury. And I commanded him in the voice of Laban, that he should go with me into the treasury. 21 And he supposed me to be his master, Laban, for he beheld the garments and also the sword girded about my loins. "
Have you ever cut the head off a person? No? Good, glad to hear it. Please consider what it takes to cut a head off. The Guillotine, a machine built to cut heads off, wasn't always successful, but Nephi did it with a sword. Have you ever butchered a pig or cow? Have you ever watched a movie where a head is removed and they actually show the head getting removed? If you have, think about how much blood shoots out of the neck. If you haven't, just know that when a head is cut off of a living person there is lots of blood that shoots out of the jugular. In fact here is a link to an injury in the NHL where somebody's neck is sliced in an accident. If you watch it you'll see a lot of blood in just a matter of seconds. This is just a slice, not cutting the head off. The heart is pumping and the jugular is big, so there is oodles and oodles of blood. A pumping heart can squirt blood up to thirty feet away. Nearly the entire body would bleed out. At least a full gallon of blood would have spewed out of the neck.
Since Nephi was holding the head by the hair that blood would have gotten all over him. He would have been covered in blood spatter. Somehow he snuck in a shower or did his best to clean up using his own clothes and put Laban's clothes on so he could meet up with Zoram. He still would have had blood all over his face and arms. He wouldn't have been able to clean it off in such a way that it wouldn't be noticeable in any amount of light. The amount of time this entire story would have taken is astounding. Somebody would have gone looking for Laban. They would have found fresh blood, a body, a head, or some evidence of what happened. Zoram would have seen blood on Nephi's face or arms, unless Nephi had the time to bath clean.
When you think through having a little more Nephi you get a hero that committed an ISIS style execution. You get an implausible story. It's a story that if it happened is not what it is made out to be. You get a hero that bragged about how awesome the execution he committed was. Yes, he said I will go and do, but that's not all. The church wouldn't have you think through the entire scenario, just the parts they want you to ponder about. They would have you not hold a complete knowledge. They provide the source of knowledge, and you can only get knowledge of truth through them.
If I ran an organization and I didn't want people to think about or have full knowledge of everything that happened during its creation I would tell them that seeking knowledge outside of my prescribed method of teaching is wrong. I would tell them that no matter how hard they looked they wouldn't be able to get the knowledge they needed without my help. Why? I can keep them to a knowledge of what I want. When I decide to tell them facts differently than I had previously told them I can tell them in a way to sheds things in the light I want it to be. When you take a step back to look at any Christian church this is exactly what they do. It starts with the Catholic church and never ends. How much do you trust the Catholic church to provide you with truth?
After reading this you may say that I'm just angry, hurt, offended, mad, or whatever it is you may say. Well no, I'm not mad. I'm not angry, hurt, or offended. I was mad for about five minutes in spring of 2019. Life's too short to be mad. I simply want to help others think through religion. You don't need to research religion through any second hand sources or uncover whitewashed history to find religion to be man made. It helps, but you don't have to. You simply need to read the doctrines of the religion and think about them. But don't just think about them, actually ponder them. Not just what it says, but what it implies. Think about the actual stories.
The LDS church teaches that one should doubt their doubts. One should not question their beliefs. One should not study outside the teachings of the church. Please think about that, honestly. When you wonder how something will or will not work don't decide to not figure it out. When you have a doubt it's for a reason. Red flags exist for a reason. Think it through, all the way through. If you don't think the church tries to prevent you from really thinking things through just learn a little about the BITE model.
Put yourself in the shoes of the person or people you are reading about and imagine through the scenario. Put yourself in the shoes of Nephi. If your god tells you to kill somebody in what we would consider cold blood does that mean you cut his head off? Nephi's actions are more along the lines of what a psychopath, or a member of ISIS would do. Think through the entire scenario, not just what the church wants you to think through.
Put yourself in the shoes of Alma the Elder. His wayward son turned his back on god and preached against him. Alma broke the law by not stoning his son to death. He then had to ask God to forgive him for breaking the law, for not killing his own son. It's not in the book, but according to the law that Nephi picked up, it's what had to happen. Alma the Younger then counsels his sons, one of which was found to have fornicated while on a mission. According to the law that son should have been stoned to death, or needed to force the girl to be wed to him because she has now been violated by him. Alma the Younger broke the law, potentially by not killing his own son, and if so would have had to ask his god to forgive him for not killing his own son.
Think about that. The Law of Moses required one to ask forgiveness for not having stoned their own child to death. When learning about the law nobody would ever consider telling you this. You have to actually read it and understand it. If you do you will find this to be true. You don't even have to pray about it. It's right there in the text, spelled out. This god from the Book of Mormon is the same god that exists in the Old Testament. How scared of a being must you be in order to ask their forgiveness for having not stoned your own child to death? To quote Richard Dawkins, “The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.”
I'll change course a moment. If you are a Christian and you hear the Good Shepherd you probably think about Jesus. You think about finding the one that has left the ninety and nine. Have you seen the story of a poor sheep that wandered away? The sheep was so heavy with fur that it could have died were it not shorn. Many Christians will (and do) compare this to the parable of the lost sheep. When a person leaves the flock they leave the caring arms of the shepherd. Finding the sheep is the only way to save its life. It sounds touching, loving, and a great life lesson. Will you take the time to consider all of the facts with me?
When you consider a sheep you consider it's uses. Fleece, milk, food, and ritual sacrifice. The shepherd raises sheep for one of these uses. The shepherd cares for his sheep, yes, but why? The fleece is useful to him. He can create clothing for himself. He can sell the fleece or sell clothes from the fleece to others. He can use the milk himself or sell it. He can use the food himself or sell it. He can use the sheep as a ritual sacrifice for himself or sell it for ritual sacrifice. In the end the sheep is not there for itself, it's there to serve it's masters purposes. It is unknowingly a slave to its master.
Now consider the sheep from the article. These sheep have been raised for generations. The shepherds have genetically bred them in a specific way to require the need to have their fleece shorn. This must be done regularly. If not they get sick and die. This requires them to stay close to the flock and the shepherd. The shepherds have not created a free individual, but one that cannot survive without it. It has been enslaved. While it can think on it's own, and can leave, it has been bred to be dependent on its shepherd. It can't survive without the shepherd. One difference, if the sheep does leave the flock the shepherd doesn't threaten to torture it or enslave it for eternity. It just dies.
From Christopher Hitchens quote I have touched his statement that religion infects a persons basic integrity, being required to have a big brother to be moral, being afraid of a deity we must love, which is the essence of sado-masochism and the master-slave relationship. I touched on being afraid and forced to love somebody we fear, the abjection given to that person. It is the essence of a master-slave relationship.
I could go on for hours, but I wont. I simply want to help people think more about their beliefs. I want people to spend time thinking about the realities of what their religion teaches. I have not said one thing that is contrary to LDS doctrine. All I have done is walked you through the actual stories. One could say that I'm just looking for the bad stuff and ignoring the good stuff. I could say that they are just looking for the good stuff and ignoring the bad stuff. The fact is if you are looking for the good stuff you must not forget about the bad stuff. If you worship the god that you say does a bunch of good stuff you also worship a god that does just as much evil. This doesn't make you evil. You've been programmed to worship this god. You've been programmed to be dependent on it. Loosing that dependency is not easy.
I shared my story with everybody I could. I shared it because one person somewhere is going through hell. They need to know that they are not alone. There are many of us that have been there. While the church may do good for people, it also does lots of evil. It does this evil with God at its helm. You don't need to look any further than the church handbooks to see just how much evil they do. If you simply go and ask a person what they've been put through they can tell you the pain the church has put them through. They can also show you what pain their families belief in God has caused them. If you ask somebody that has finally seen it they can tell you the pain they have been through because of their belief in god. The pain the church (not just the LDS church) causes is great, though most will never see it. They wont see it either because they refuse to see it or they have been instructed to not see it. You can't see a problem when you are standing inside it. Once you take a step back you can see the problem. Then you can work at finding a way out of it.
Hopefully you haven't been too scarred by reading this. I will always share my thoughts any time I can. I wont force others to learn or think for themselves, but as I've said in prior posts I will state the truths I have learned. If I haven't sufficiently explained why I had to share with all I can why I have left the LDS church please feel free to contact me about it. You can comment here, or if you have my contact info you can contact me there.
