This post is a continuation from prior post. It is the final in this nine part series. You can read part eight here. Feel free to read it to get caught up, if you would like. To go back to post 1 click here. Please feel free, if you would like, to view some of my other posts. I hope to be able to present my thoughts well enough to you to help you see life through different eyes.
I've gone through what you might call hell. I call it terrible. I can no longer believe in the deity I once did. Am I looking for other deity? No, I am not. I did that. To be Hindu or Buddhist I would have to believe that the Jews that died in the holocaust were such terrible people in a prior life that they had to be killed in that manner. Everybody that dies in war was a terrible person in a prior life, paying the price for their prior choices, and they deserve what they get. However, all of the people that were simply tortured in concentration camps, or are raped, beaten, or abused, while terrible people in prior lives, were not so terrible that they had to die; they just had to be tortured for years.
Am I an atheist? Well, I am not convinced that there is a god, nor that there is no god. I cannot say that no god exists because there is no evidence to say no god exists. There very well could be a god, but if so it is not Yahweh. I find myself on the agnostic side of life. I'm an agnostic atheist. There could be a god, but I don't believe that any god I've read about is actually real. They are only as real as people imagine they are. I only disbelieve in one deity more than most of the world.
Besides, describing somebody by what they do not believe isn’t a very good way to describe a person. I have found many great things to believe. If you want to know what I believe you can ask me. If you want to study some of these things for yourself, you may. I highly recommend, for anybody, The Epic of Gilgamesh. It is the tale of a king in ancient Sumeria. He lived prior to the year 2400, when the biblical flood supposedly happened, and where Abraham came from. You can check it out at the library, or you can listen to it on youtube. Learning about the tablets this was found on is just as interesting as the story.
https://youtu.be/Kde-P_jffqk
Or you could check out one of these
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd7MrGy_tEg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pGhEu9elnA
Or any others that you can find at https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=epic+of+gilgamesh
Or go to a library and look him up.
The truth I have found has set me free. Am I a drunk? No. Do I think getting drunk is fine? No, it’s not healthy. Is smoking fine? No. However, if you want to participate in these things, go ahead and do so. Just don't force me to do so. Is abuse fine? No. Do I still believe in being faithful to my spouse? Yes, I do. I am free from the mind numbing thought that there is a being always watching me, recording everything I do to make an accounting of it. I am free to believe as I wish, and not fear being kicked out of my church for believing differently than I am told to believe, for allowing others to worship as they see fit. I love family. I will not place attending a meeting to talk about being a better person over being with my family. I do not fault others that do, but that is something I will not do. My family is precious. I only get so much time with them, and then they, or me, are gone.
I hope that this life isn’t the end, that there is some form of existence after my life here. But if there is not I would like to make the most out of the life I have, and love those around me as much as I can. I do not want to die wishing I had spent more time not being with my family, or wishing I had spent less time in a pew, or a classroom learning about somebody that purports to teach truth. I don’t want to wish I had spent more time at work, or reading about ancient barbaric actions and believing they were good because a god commanded them. I want to be satisfied that I have sufficiently loved my family.
When I die I want to be glad to have been able to spend as much time as possible with my family. I do want to make sure that those around me know I love them. That may happen through words or actions. I want to do good in this world. I want to serve my community. I will find ways to do so. If you want me to come to your church for a baby blessing, baptism, or whatever, I am happy to come and support you. You are my family or friends and I love you.
I don’t expect you to read this and come to the same conclusion I have. You probably haven't bled so violently through your pores that it caused necrosis of your skin. Once I saw and experienced true suffering, and thought about it long enough, I could not worship a deity that threatens ridiculously long, everlasting torment, or slavery. Such a being is wicked. To me worshiping a deity, even if real, that has the same character as El, is reprehensible. I wont fault you for doing so, but I will not worship him. My intent in sharing this is so that you may understand a little more about me. If you want to discuss any of this with me please feel free to do so. I will not attempt to hit my beliefs into you, but I will defend my stance. I do want you to understand, and hopefully see, from my point of view.
Thomas S Longmore
P.S.
If you want to read more about my studies when I attempted to reinstate my faith for the last time click this link.
You could also view the rest of my blog posts.
Here's another link that all should read, especially those that still adhere to LDS teachings. All I have done here is post statements from your leaders. I hope to add more to it.
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
What I Learned in My Search
This is part eight in a nine part series. To take a gander at part seven click this link. Scroll to the end for part nine.
As a recap of the prior post, I went through a lot, lost my faith in God, and decided to give a strong effort to regain my faith. I began my study in the Bible, using the Mormon version of the King James version. Please note that I do not intend to hurt or offend. Simply stated my desire is to help you understand some of what I learned.
I’ll share a few gems that I found, in no particular order. I found that Yahweh (Yahweh is Jesus or God) commands forced abortions. This is done based on a law called The Law of Jealousies. See Exodus 29, Numbers 5, and Exodus 20. One of the commandments is to not be jealous of your neighbor, to not covet that which your neighbor owns or has. You know the one I’m talking about. Well, there is an exception in the law. If you are jealous of your wife for any reason you can bring her before the priest at the tabernacle. In the courtyard the priest picks up some of the dirt, mixes it with water, chants an incantation, and the woman is forced to drink it.
This dirt, as stated, is from the tabernacle grounds. Not just any part of the grounds, but from where the ritual of animal sacrifice happens. Where blood, guts, brains, poop, yes poop, and other stuff is bled or cleaned out of the animal into the dirt. Has anybody heard of e coli, salmonella, campylobacter, and I could go on and on and on? They hadn’t, but you have. The woman is forced to drink this concoction and if she is pregnant with another man’s child she will lose the baby and her womb. If she is not pregnant, but was unfaithful, then she loses her womb. If she was faithful she doesn’t get sick (and she must continue living with the man that subjected her to this treatment).
When I first read this I thought, no, uh uh, I read that wrong. So I studied a bit through various universities that offer online bible courses, and Jewish studies, and found that I was correct. Why would you be jealous of your spouse? Well maybe you’ve been gone at war, killing babies, women, and children in the name of your god, and come home to her not being readily willing to jump your bones, or you think that maybe she was unfaithful while you were out raping and killing, or you just think she was just simply unfaithful to you. Now, you could say that god was just punishing that woman for being unfaithful. Ok, fine, have that thought. A god that is just would also have a similar law for men, but no such law exists. If Yahweh did do this to punish an unfaithful woman then shame on him. This is a sick thing to do, and I don’t want anything to do with that god. That is a tyrannical psychopath deity, and please keep him away from me.
I wasn't done, so I kept reading. Another I found was from Deuteronomy 22. I call it The Virgin Bride. When you marry, and you go to consummate the wedding and decide for whatever reason (she didn’t perform well in bed, she cried, you didn’t realize she had a wart on her stomach, or breast, or wouldn’t do what you wanted in bed) that you don’t want to be with her you can accuse her of not having been a virgin when she married you. If the parents can provide the tokens of her virginity then the man can’t divorce her, ever. But if they can’t then she is to be stoned, to death, bloodily beaten to a pulp. Look up videos of stoning if you want, it happens in Iran on a regular basis. There are videos of it, it’s very gruesome and disgusting. I couldn’t stomach more than a few seconds.
What are the tokens of virginity? Well, after some more study, and going to jewish websites and sources, I found that what I believed to be the tokens are correct. It is the hymen and the bleeding that happens when the hymen is broken. Yes, the hymen. The piece of skin that in some women is so thin that they never even knew they had one and it never bleeds when broken. Or, that in other women is not that thin, but is thin enough that a simple horse ride with a saddle would break it, let alone a ride without a saddle. It is widely known amongst all medical professionals and courts in the modern day that the presence or absence of the hymen does not indicate a person is a virgin. It doesn’t work that way, but this is what Yahweh’s law called for. A perfect all knowing deity said that this is how life works? It sounds more like uneducated goat herders coming up with laws. Don’t believe me? Read it yourself.
Oh, then there is the Rape to Marry law. You just said or thought “What?”, didn’t you? Regardless, that’s what it says. See the same book and chapter. The earlier verses discuss what to do when a man rapes a women, or if adultery is found. But this one, right at the end, says that if a man is found to have slept with a women, that is not betrothed, he pays her father 50 shekels and gets to mary the girl. While discussing this with a friend they said “It’s an out for teens that decide to be sexualy active.”. “An out from what, being stoned to death?” said I. “Yes” was the reply. Well, that may be, but it also says is that if I, as a guy, really like this girl, but I can’t get her because of social status, I can rape her where we can be found, by my friend that I’ve paid to help me out, and then all I have to do is pay her father 50 shekels and she is mine. Literally, mine. She is used goods and isn’t of any use anymore because she is no longer a virgin. That’s what the law of Moses teaches.
Now, about this law being a way out from being stoned. According to LDS theology the law we currently have was had among the believers in Yahweh prior to the time of Moses, when he was known as El. This higher law was given to Moses, but was not given to the children of Israel due to idolatry, and they were given a lesser law. So, what you want me to believe is that the law started out do not have premarital sexual relations and if you do you will need to repent. If you are adulterous you should be forgiven up to three times, but then cast out from the congregation if it happens again. The law then changed to something much worse, to a death sentence, or being forced to be married to your rapist.
The verses that describe the above law also explains what happens if the women is raped in the city. If she is raped where she can be heard, but doesn't or isn't able to yell sufficiently loud to attract others attention, that it is her fault. The punishment for this: being stoned to death. Some of this applies to the man that rapes the girl, but only in certain scenarios.
Then when you realize this still happens today, it gets sick. I cannot read articles like the following, about a 10 year old girl being raped, without realizing what played out was exactly as it is written in the Law of Moses. After she was raped a plan to have her put to death was discussed, and set in motion. This is because she is now used goods. Then the preacher that raped her offered to marry her instead of her being stoned for bringing this dishonor on the family. This is disgusting, but it was a part of the law that Yahweh gave to Moses. This isn’t a lesser law, 20 steps down from celestial law, or even godly at all. It is an ancient tribal law still practiced in some areas today.
Since the Israelites couldn’t handle the Celestial law they were given a lesser law. It said if you have an adulterous relationship you should be put to death by your peers and by stoning, a possible long and slow form of death. If you are involved in premarital sex, and are a woman, you will be stoned. While that may not be the same doctrine we have today, it is the basis for current doctrine (see The Miracle of Forgiveness, and a talk by Richard G Scott in April conference, 1992). According to LDS theology you may be at fault for getting raped, or for somebody abusing you. Bull Shit. That is wrong. My actions cannot control another person’s choices and actions. We are responsible for our own actions. If a girl wears revealing clothes it is not an invitation to rape. She is only responsible for what she has chosen to wear. She is not responsible for the actions of another. If so then maybe the third Article of Faith should be changed to ‘We believe that man will be punished for their own sins, and the sins of others, but not for Adam’s transgression.’.
You are never at fault for somebody else's actions, unless you are a backwards bronze age tribe member. That’s not a lesser law. It’s a far worse, bronze age, sick and demented form of thinking. It’s the type of thinking that you would expect to come from back country rednecks, or middle east ancient goat herders, not an all knowing god. When I read these verses again I could not believe I had read this before and been fine with it. Maybe I didn't truly understand it? Maybe I was just reading to read, to say I had read it? I don't know for sure, but I could not believe that I once believed that this was fine, or OK because an all knowing god had commanded it. To be honest, while I had read it previously, I had never actually thought about it. The fact that the god of the Old Testament was a violent being was always taught, but I’d never actually thought about the specifics of it.
Do you give any kind of praise to Hitler for killing so many Jews? After all, the Torah itself explains that Yahweh used wicked people to fulfill his will in destroying the children of Israel when they disobeyed. Well, why do you give praise to Joshua or Moses for committing genocide? They killed, not just the men, but the teenagers, the women, the children, and the pregnant women. The unborn children. Why? Because they would expose the Israelites to gods other than Yahweh, and pervert his ways.
Let’s think about this. LDS doctrine says that children that die under the age of 8 (age of accountability) automatically go to the Celestial Kingdom. Even if the age was different back then, this still applies. So all of the children were so blessed because their parents were idolatrous, that they had to be killed to go to the Celestial Kingdom? What? Then why not let them live and help convert their parents to Yahweh? This is the type of stuff that Attila the Hun did. It’s sick, wrong, and should not ever be celebrated. The words to Joshua fighting the battle of Jericho may as well be "Joshua killed women and children in Jericho, Jericho, Jericho, Joshua killed women and children in Jericho, and the walls came tumbling down...". Biblical leaders receive praise from Christians and Jews alike because God commanded them to kill women, children, unborn children, the men, the animals, but sometimes not the virgins.
God commanded the Israelites to have slaves. To ENSLAVE human beings. He didn’t just condone it, he commanded it. He then commanded them to kill all the men, women, and children in some cities, but keep the virgin women alive, and keep the virgins for themselves. The first three of the Ten Commandments say worship me, but in all the Law of Moses there is nothing about not enslaving other human beings. If you think that ended with Jesus, think again. If it was wrong, and shouldn’t have been practiced, this truth could have and should have been restored with the restoration, not after the federal government threatened to remove the church’s non profit status.
I can go on, and on, and on, from selling your daughter as a slave is fine by Yahweh, to killing a slave is not murder unless they die the day you beat them, and having any physical defect, including damaged testicles, prevents you from being able to make sacrifice in the tabernacle, but you must perform genital mutilation on all boys. It’s backwards thinking. It’s not godly, it comes from a tribe of people trying to explain the world around them and maintain order. I got so far reading, couldn’t keep going straight and had to skip around, and just had to stop reading in the Old Testament. This wasn’t a lesser law, it was the law of bronze age Middle East goat herders. I moved on to the New Testament, and couldn’t get very far there either.
I took various online courses from many colleges, from many viewpoints regarding the Hebrew Bible (the Old Testament) and the New Testament. You can’t learn facts about them without completely doubting any veracity of them. If you want links to many of the things I've just explained just ask, and you shall receive.
I was discussing this with a friend. That friend said “Hey, it sounds like you just watched a bunch of youtube videos and are spewing out what you learned.”. Well, no. That didn’t happen until after I had read all of these things for myself, and thought about them for myself. I went to youtube and I was ecstatic to find I wasn't alone in my thoughts. There is an enormous world of people that have already come to the same understanding. There are the likes of Seth Andrews, the late Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, AronRa, Holy Koolaid, TellTale, DarkMatter, Mr. Deity, 43Alley, and so many more. I digress, so I'll keep going.
If Yahweh is god, then I really want nothing to do with him, and do not care about him, because he is one sick being. I don't know what you are thinking at this point. One person I spoke with said "But if you train up a child in the way he should go, when he is old he will not depart from it.". Well, when the punishment for leaving your faith is death, then yeah, he's probably not going to stray from it. It's a good way to exert power and control. As culture changed so did that law, as is evidenced from the New Testament itself. Well, that control still needs to be held. This is why the scriptures say things to the effect of if you deny the holy ghost you will be cast out or be in hell.
Culturally we do not accept the stoning of people for leaving their religion (neither do the mainstream Jews anymore, but it is still preferred in Iran, Afghanistan, Indonesia, and other cultures that remain barberic). People in civilized areas cannot be scared with death for leaving their religion any more, so they must be scared with everlasting torture in order to keep them controlled. Just read the following.
D&C 84:40-41 40 Therefore, all those who receive the priesthood, receive this oath and covenant of my Father, which he cannot break, neither can it be moved.
41 But whoso breaketh this covenant after he hath received it, and altogether turneth therefrom, shall not have forgiveness of sins in this world nor in the world to come.
D&C 76:30-49 (I’m only pasting a couple verses) 34 Concerning whom I have said there is no forgiveness in this world nor in the world to come— 35 Having denied the Holy Spirit after having received it, and having denied the Only Begotten Son of the Father, having crucified him unto themselves and put him to an open shame. 36 These are they who shall go away into the lake of fire and brimstone, with the devil and his angels— 37 And the only ones on whom the second death shall have any power; 38 Yea, verily, the only ones who shall not be redeemed in the due time of the Lord, after the sufferings of his wrath.
Think about this for a minute. I am one of these people. All I have done is a thought crime, but am sentenced to eternal damnation for it. However, according to the doctrine of all Christianity, a person that is complete trash, that doesn’t ever repent of raping, yes raping, a baby, and continues to rape that baby for years, can still go to Heaven. In LDS theology that piece of garbage of a human being can go to the celestial kingdom if he repents. If he doesn’t he still goes to heaven. He still gets a degree of glory. All he has to do is say “Yes, I believe Jesus is the Christ”, and kind of repent. However, if he says “but I’m not willing to repent of my sins” then he suffers for 1000 years, and then still goes to the telestial kingdom. He still gets a degree of glory.
However, since I have said I do not believe it, nay, I cannot, I am damned for eternity, set to suffer in outer darkness with great wailing and gnashing of teeth. My crime is a crime of thought. It is victimless. I have never raised my voice, hand, or manly superiority against my wife. As an adult I have never hit another person with the intent to harm them. I have done all I could to help those around me, as evidenced by my story, to a fault. If somebody wants to tell me that what I have done is worse, and deserves a far worse punishment than the garbage that continually beats, tortures, or rapes thier child, please don’t. I do not deserve to be spoken to in that tone of voice, or in that language. If it turns out that I am wrong, and you are right, then I am glad for my choice. I would not want to be with such a deity. That deity withholds his knowledge or blessing from you until you ask in just the right way, with just the right faith. This is called sadism.
Every terrible trait that exists in murderers, rapists, pedophiles, and otherwise terrible human beings exist in Yahweh, and every reincarnation of him. That deity withholds physical and temporal blessings from young children dying of cancer. He withholds his blessing from children who suffer years and years of abuse. All so, what, his judgement can be just? So you could you look at Elizabeth Smart, or the 13 Turpin children, in the eyes and tell them that it’s OK that they were tortured and abused for so long, because it means God can punish their abusers? I could not do it.
It is not OK that they suffered. One time is too many. If it was so important for the Israelites to kill their neighbors rather than be indoctrinated by them, why is it so important for piece of shit human beings to be parents? Is it so the judgement against them is just? Does this mean that abusers cannot repent? If bad people are allowed to do bad things to the righteous so that god’s judgement is just, it is inferred that those people then cannot repent. If they are allowed to repent, then there was no reason for the abuse to go on and on, as no just judgement was necessary. There is no answer that is acceptable. I’ve thought about it long and hard, over many years. The worship of this god is wrong, and I cannot participate in it anymore.
You may say “But I didn’t gain my testimony about Jesus or the church through the Old Testament….”. Remember, Christianity is a sect of Judaism. It is based on the same belief that the Jews, and all Israelites, believed. It is based on the Law of Moses. It is based on bronze aged thinking, and while I too did not gain the testimony I once had by reading the Old Testament, it sure helped me realize the fallacy of the belief.
So, who am I, where am I, and what will I do with my life. Well, you can get a glimpse in this post.
As a recap of the prior post, I went through a lot, lost my faith in God, and decided to give a strong effort to regain my faith. I began my study in the Bible, using the Mormon version of the King James version. Please note that I do not intend to hurt or offend. Simply stated my desire is to help you understand some of what I learned.
I’ll share a few gems that I found, in no particular order. I found that Yahweh (Yahweh is Jesus or God) commands forced abortions. This is done based on a law called The Law of Jealousies. See Exodus 29, Numbers 5, and Exodus 20. One of the commandments is to not be jealous of your neighbor, to not covet that which your neighbor owns or has. You know the one I’m talking about. Well, there is an exception in the law. If you are jealous of your wife for any reason you can bring her before the priest at the tabernacle. In the courtyard the priest picks up some of the dirt, mixes it with water, chants an incantation, and the woman is forced to drink it.
This dirt, as stated, is from the tabernacle grounds. Not just any part of the grounds, but from where the ritual of animal sacrifice happens. Where blood, guts, brains, poop, yes poop, and other stuff is bled or cleaned out of the animal into the dirt. Has anybody heard of e coli, salmonella, campylobacter, and I could go on and on and on? They hadn’t, but you have. The woman is forced to drink this concoction and if she is pregnant with another man’s child she will lose the baby and her womb. If she is not pregnant, but was unfaithful, then she loses her womb. If she was faithful she doesn’t get sick (and she must continue living with the man that subjected her to this treatment).
When I first read this I thought, no, uh uh, I read that wrong. So I studied a bit through various universities that offer online bible courses, and Jewish studies, and found that I was correct. Why would you be jealous of your spouse? Well maybe you’ve been gone at war, killing babies, women, and children in the name of your god, and come home to her not being readily willing to jump your bones, or you think that maybe she was unfaithful while you were out raping and killing, or you just think she was just simply unfaithful to you. Now, you could say that god was just punishing that woman for being unfaithful. Ok, fine, have that thought. A god that is just would also have a similar law for men, but no such law exists. If Yahweh did do this to punish an unfaithful woman then shame on him. This is a sick thing to do, and I don’t want anything to do with that god. That is a tyrannical psychopath deity, and please keep him away from me.
I wasn't done, so I kept reading. Another I found was from Deuteronomy 22. I call it The Virgin Bride. When you marry, and you go to consummate the wedding and decide for whatever reason (she didn’t perform well in bed, she cried, you didn’t realize she had a wart on her stomach, or breast, or wouldn’t do what you wanted in bed) that you don’t want to be with her you can accuse her of not having been a virgin when she married you. If the parents can provide the tokens of her virginity then the man can’t divorce her, ever. But if they can’t then she is to be stoned, to death, bloodily beaten to a pulp. Look up videos of stoning if you want, it happens in Iran on a regular basis. There are videos of it, it’s very gruesome and disgusting. I couldn’t stomach more than a few seconds.
What are the tokens of virginity? Well, after some more study, and going to jewish websites and sources, I found that what I believed to be the tokens are correct. It is the hymen and the bleeding that happens when the hymen is broken. Yes, the hymen. The piece of skin that in some women is so thin that they never even knew they had one and it never bleeds when broken. Or, that in other women is not that thin, but is thin enough that a simple horse ride with a saddle would break it, let alone a ride without a saddle. It is widely known amongst all medical professionals and courts in the modern day that the presence or absence of the hymen does not indicate a person is a virgin. It doesn’t work that way, but this is what Yahweh’s law called for. A perfect all knowing deity said that this is how life works? It sounds more like uneducated goat herders coming up with laws. Don’t believe me? Read it yourself.
Oh, then there is the Rape to Marry law. You just said or thought “What?”, didn’t you? Regardless, that’s what it says. See the same book and chapter. The earlier verses discuss what to do when a man rapes a women, or if adultery is found. But this one, right at the end, says that if a man is found to have slept with a women, that is not betrothed, he pays her father 50 shekels and gets to mary the girl. While discussing this with a friend they said “It’s an out for teens that decide to be sexualy active.”. “An out from what, being stoned to death?” said I. “Yes” was the reply. Well, that may be, but it also says is that if I, as a guy, really like this girl, but I can’t get her because of social status, I can rape her where we can be found, by my friend that I’ve paid to help me out, and then all I have to do is pay her father 50 shekels and she is mine. Literally, mine. She is used goods and isn’t of any use anymore because she is no longer a virgin. That’s what the law of Moses teaches.
Now, about this law being a way out from being stoned. According to LDS theology the law we currently have was had among the believers in Yahweh prior to the time of Moses, when he was known as El. This higher law was given to Moses, but was not given to the children of Israel due to idolatry, and they were given a lesser law. So, what you want me to believe is that the law started out do not have premarital sexual relations and if you do you will need to repent. If you are adulterous you should be forgiven up to three times, but then cast out from the congregation if it happens again. The law then changed to something much worse, to a death sentence, or being forced to be married to your rapist.
The verses that describe the above law also explains what happens if the women is raped in the city. If she is raped where she can be heard, but doesn't or isn't able to yell sufficiently loud to attract others attention, that it is her fault. The punishment for this: being stoned to death. Some of this applies to the man that rapes the girl, but only in certain scenarios.
Then when you realize this still happens today, it gets sick. I cannot read articles like the following, about a 10 year old girl being raped, without realizing what played out was exactly as it is written in the Law of Moses. After she was raped a plan to have her put to death was discussed, and set in motion. This is because she is now used goods. Then the preacher that raped her offered to marry her instead of her being stoned for bringing this dishonor on the family. This is disgusting, but it was a part of the law that Yahweh gave to Moses. This isn’t a lesser law, 20 steps down from celestial law, or even godly at all. It is an ancient tribal law still practiced in some areas today.
Since the Israelites couldn’t handle the Celestial law they were given a lesser law. It said if you have an adulterous relationship you should be put to death by your peers and by stoning, a possible long and slow form of death. If you are involved in premarital sex, and are a woman, you will be stoned. While that may not be the same doctrine we have today, it is the basis for current doctrine (see The Miracle of Forgiveness, and a talk by Richard G Scott in April conference, 1992). According to LDS theology you may be at fault for getting raped, or for somebody abusing you. Bull Shit. That is wrong. My actions cannot control another person’s choices and actions. We are responsible for our own actions. If a girl wears revealing clothes it is not an invitation to rape. She is only responsible for what she has chosen to wear. She is not responsible for the actions of another. If so then maybe the third Article of Faith should be changed to ‘We believe that man will be punished for their own sins, and the sins of others, but not for Adam’s transgression.’.
You are never at fault for somebody else's actions, unless you are a backwards bronze age tribe member. That’s not a lesser law. It’s a far worse, bronze age, sick and demented form of thinking. It’s the type of thinking that you would expect to come from back country rednecks, or middle east ancient goat herders, not an all knowing god. When I read these verses again I could not believe I had read this before and been fine with it. Maybe I didn't truly understand it? Maybe I was just reading to read, to say I had read it? I don't know for sure, but I could not believe that I once believed that this was fine, or OK because an all knowing god had commanded it. To be honest, while I had read it previously, I had never actually thought about it. The fact that the god of the Old Testament was a violent being was always taught, but I’d never actually thought about the specifics of it.
Do you give any kind of praise to Hitler for killing so many Jews? After all, the Torah itself explains that Yahweh used wicked people to fulfill his will in destroying the children of Israel when they disobeyed. Well, why do you give praise to Joshua or Moses for committing genocide? They killed, not just the men, but the teenagers, the women, the children, and the pregnant women. The unborn children. Why? Because they would expose the Israelites to gods other than Yahweh, and pervert his ways.
Let’s think about this. LDS doctrine says that children that die under the age of 8 (age of accountability) automatically go to the Celestial Kingdom. Even if the age was different back then, this still applies. So all of the children were so blessed because their parents were idolatrous, that they had to be killed to go to the Celestial Kingdom? What? Then why not let them live and help convert their parents to Yahweh? This is the type of stuff that Attila the Hun did. It’s sick, wrong, and should not ever be celebrated. The words to Joshua fighting the battle of Jericho may as well be "Joshua killed women and children in Jericho, Jericho, Jericho, Joshua killed women and children in Jericho, and the walls came tumbling down...". Biblical leaders receive praise from Christians and Jews alike because God commanded them to kill women, children, unborn children, the men, the animals, but sometimes not the virgins.
God commanded the Israelites to have slaves. To ENSLAVE human beings. He didn’t just condone it, he commanded it. He then commanded them to kill all the men, women, and children in some cities, but keep the virgin women alive, and keep the virgins for themselves. The first three of the Ten Commandments say worship me, but in all the Law of Moses there is nothing about not enslaving other human beings. If you think that ended with Jesus, think again. If it was wrong, and shouldn’t have been practiced, this truth could have and should have been restored with the restoration, not after the federal government threatened to remove the church’s non profit status.
I can go on, and on, and on, from selling your daughter as a slave is fine by Yahweh, to killing a slave is not murder unless they die the day you beat them, and having any physical defect, including damaged testicles, prevents you from being able to make sacrifice in the tabernacle, but you must perform genital mutilation on all boys. It’s backwards thinking. It’s not godly, it comes from a tribe of people trying to explain the world around them and maintain order. I got so far reading, couldn’t keep going straight and had to skip around, and just had to stop reading in the Old Testament. This wasn’t a lesser law, it was the law of bronze age Middle East goat herders. I moved on to the New Testament, and couldn’t get very far there either.
I took various online courses from many colleges, from many viewpoints regarding the Hebrew Bible (the Old Testament) and the New Testament. You can’t learn facts about them without completely doubting any veracity of them. If you want links to many of the things I've just explained just ask, and you shall receive.
I was discussing this with a friend. That friend said “Hey, it sounds like you just watched a bunch of youtube videos and are spewing out what you learned.”. Well, no. That didn’t happen until after I had read all of these things for myself, and thought about them for myself. I went to youtube and I was ecstatic to find I wasn't alone in my thoughts. There is an enormous world of people that have already come to the same understanding. There are the likes of Seth Andrews, the late Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, AronRa, Holy Koolaid, TellTale, DarkMatter, Mr. Deity, 43Alley, and so many more. I digress, so I'll keep going.
If Yahweh is god, then I really want nothing to do with him, and do not care about him, because he is one sick being. I don't know what you are thinking at this point. One person I spoke with said "But if you train up a child in the way he should go, when he is old he will not depart from it.". Well, when the punishment for leaving your faith is death, then yeah, he's probably not going to stray from it. It's a good way to exert power and control. As culture changed so did that law, as is evidenced from the New Testament itself. Well, that control still needs to be held. This is why the scriptures say things to the effect of if you deny the holy ghost you will be cast out or be in hell.
Culturally we do not accept the stoning of people for leaving their religion (neither do the mainstream Jews anymore, but it is still preferred in Iran, Afghanistan, Indonesia, and other cultures that remain barberic). People in civilized areas cannot be scared with death for leaving their religion any more, so they must be scared with everlasting torture in order to keep them controlled. Just read the following.
D&C 84:40-41 40 Therefore, all those who receive the priesthood, receive this oath and covenant of my Father, which he cannot break, neither can it be moved.
41 But whoso breaketh this covenant after he hath received it, and altogether turneth therefrom, shall not have forgiveness of sins in this world nor in the world to come.
D&C 76:30-49 (I’m only pasting a couple verses) 34 Concerning whom I have said there is no forgiveness in this world nor in the world to come— 35 Having denied the Holy Spirit after having received it, and having denied the Only Begotten Son of the Father, having crucified him unto themselves and put him to an open shame. 36 These are they who shall go away into the lake of fire and brimstone, with the devil and his angels— 37 And the only ones on whom the second death shall have any power; 38 Yea, verily, the only ones who shall not be redeemed in the due time of the Lord, after the sufferings of his wrath.
Think about this for a minute. I am one of these people. All I have done is a thought crime, but am sentenced to eternal damnation for it. However, according to the doctrine of all Christianity, a person that is complete trash, that doesn’t ever repent of raping, yes raping, a baby, and continues to rape that baby for years, can still go to Heaven. In LDS theology that piece of garbage of a human being can go to the celestial kingdom if he repents. If he doesn’t he still goes to heaven. He still gets a degree of glory. All he has to do is say “Yes, I believe Jesus is the Christ”, and kind of repent. However, if he says “but I’m not willing to repent of my sins” then he suffers for 1000 years, and then still goes to the telestial kingdom. He still gets a degree of glory.
However, since I have said I do not believe it, nay, I cannot, I am damned for eternity, set to suffer in outer darkness with great wailing and gnashing of teeth. My crime is a crime of thought. It is victimless. I have never raised my voice, hand, or manly superiority against my wife. As an adult I have never hit another person with the intent to harm them. I have done all I could to help those around me, as evidenced by my story, to a fault. If somebody wants to tell me that what I have done is worse, and deserves a far worse punishment than the garbage that continually beats, tortures, or rapes thier child, please don’t. I do not deserve to be spoken to in that tone of voice, or in that language. If it turns out that I am wrong, and you are right, then I am glad for my choice. I would not want to be with such a deity. That deity withholds his knowledge or blessing from you until you ask in just the right way, with just the right faith. This is called sadism.
Every terrible trait that exists in murderers, rapists, pedophiles, and otherwise terrible human beings exist in Yahweh, and every reincarnation of him. That deity withholds physical and temporal blessings from young children dying of cancer. He withholds his blessing from children who suffer years and years of abuse. All so, what, his judgement can be just? So you could you look at Elizabeth Smart, or the 13 Turpin children, in the eyes and tell them that it’s OK that they were tortured and abused for so long, because it means God can punish their abusers? I could not do it.
It is not OK that they suffered. One time is too many. If it was so important for the Israelites to kill their neighbors rather than be indoctrinated by them, why is it so important for piece of shit human beings to be parents? Is it so the judgement against them is just? Does this mean that abusers cannot repent? If bad people are allowed to do bad things to the righteous so that god’s judgement is just, it is inferred that those people then cannot repent. If they are allowed to repent, then there was no reason for the abuse to go on and on, as no just judgement was necessary. There is no answer that is acceptable. I’ve thought about it long and hard, over many years. The worship of this god is wrong, and I cannot participate in it anymore.
You may say “But I didn’t gain my testimony about Jesus or the church through the Old Testament….”. Remember, Christianity is a sect of Judaism. It is based on the same belief that the Jews, and all Israelites, believed. It is based on the Law of Moses. It is based on bronze aged thinking, and while I too did not gain the testimony I once had by reading the Old Testament, it sure helped me realize the fallacy of the belief.
So, who am I, where am I, and what will I do with my life. Well, you can get a glimpse in this post.
The First Realization
This is part seven in a 9 part series. Go to part six here, or scroll to the end for part 8.
My bishop had explained that he knew that while he did go through his experience of a heart attack, he knew he was protected by God. He was protected because he had a calling that was so important, that made him important, that God protected him through it, and gave him the energy and strength to continue in his calling. He had been provided with plenty of help from ward members that helped him and his wife get through the trial.
My heart was broken. I left with Melissa, having lost all of my recently found faith, and in fact, within a few minutes (maybe even seconds) of that conversation ending, I no longer believed in the the god of my childhood, teen years, and young adult life. In my mind my bishop had just explained that the god I had worshiped was very much a respecter of persons. That he picks and chooses who he will bless, regardless of the faith they show him. He will give a hand to one, but to another that gives all they can to him, and exercises just as much faith as the first, he will withhold his hand. This wasn’t the god I thought I knew. It was crazy to me then, and is still now, how quickly I went from a confident member of the church to not accepting a belief in that god, or any deity.
My bishop had explained that he knew that while he did go through his experience of a heart attack, he knew he was protected by God. He was protected because he had a calling that was so important, that made him important, that God protected him through it, and gave him the energy and strength to continue in his calling. He had been provided with plenty of help from ward members that helped him and his wife get through the trial.
My heart was broken. I left with Melissa, having lost all of my recently found faith, and in fact, within a few minutes (maybe even seconds) of that conversation ending, I no longer believed in the the god of my childhood, teen years, and young adult life. In my mind my bishop had just explained that the god I had worshiped was very much a respecter of persons. That he picks and chooses who he will bless, regardless of the faith they show him. He will give a hand to one, but to another that gives all they can to him, and exercises just as much faith as the first, he will withhold his hand. This wasn’t the god I thought I knew. It was crazy to me then, and is still now, how quickly I went from a confident member of the church to not accepting a belief in that god, or any deity.
On our way home Melissa said something about how she felt about what the bishop had said, I do not recall what it was, and it scared me away from telling her what had just happened in my head. I again found myself in a situation where I didn’t know how I could discuss this with her, so I didn’t. I continued on, trying to get this thought out of my head, and see if I couldn’t return to my former belief and faith.
In March of 2016 we went on a family getaway with her extended family on her dad’s side. It included Grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Around 25 or so people showed up. It was a great time. On the car ride we read the story of her pioneer ancestry (the point of the trip was to go learn about where Grandma Elmer grew up). I wanted this to help me, and maybe give me another point of view. I had been so scared of losing my beliefs. The end message of the church was such a great thing. Eternal life, living with my love forever. I couldn’t fathom giving that up, or not 'knowing' it to be true.
While at church that weekend I participated in the sacrament, unable to tell her again that I was already re-questioning my faith. I didn't attend church at home because I didn't want to risk getting sick again. After multiple onsets of HSP any illness can cause a new onset of HSP. People go to church even when they are physically ill, so I didn't go. However, I wanted to be the person Melissa wanted to be with. I wanted to be the man that sat through church with her because I love her, and she doesn’t tell me to. I wanted her to have what she deserved.
Life continued on, and I just could not believe in the church, or in God. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I again began to read Ensign articles and scriptures and just kept finding everything I had found previously, so I stopped reading. I became luke warm. I was neither in, nor out. Through all of this I continued praying with Melissa, lying my way through prayers, hoping for my faith to be restored.
Nobody knew of my sorrow, or of my feelings, or what I was going through. Then, one day at a family dinner I found my sister to be having a difficult time. She was going through her own trials, and I wanted to attempt to comfort her. She was sitting outside my parents house, and I joined her. Our discussion eventually came to the fact that I no longer believe in the church, or in God. Finally, somebody knew. She didn’t know all of what was going on, but she knew, and she still loved me. That helped.
I had seen in so many people’s lives that when a spouse leaves the church, the other spouse leaves the relationship. I couldn’t fathom this happening. Melissa was (and is) my love. During some of the hardest times of my life she had literally kept me alive. She changed the bandages covering my wounds, fed me when I couldn’t walk, cleaned my clothes, cleaned everything, did everything, and was the love of my life. I was so scared that if I told her how I felt she would leave me, knowing that she couldn’t get to the Celestial Kingdom with me. I just could not tell her, and didn’t.
Late in that summer I was asked by my Elders Quorum president and a counselor to be a teacher. I explained I did not believe in God. They said they didn’t care. Any time I presented a lesson they always learned something. I explained I would not be bearing any testimony. They still wanted me to be a teacher, so I agreed. I know for a fact that many of my lessons were not prepared or presented by the spirit. However, people always approached me afterwards and expressed sincere gratitude for the extremely spiritual lesson I had presented. Well, I know there was no spirit involved on my part. So, according to D&C 50, there is no way they were actually feeling the spirit because I did not present with the spirit, it was by some other means.
In March of 2017 I finally got to the point that I could not handle the emotional stress my life was causing me. I broke and shared with Melissa how I felt. I explained I had not been able to tell her because I was so scared she would leave me. This hurt her, to think that she could have shown any sign that she wouldn’t stay with me. She loved me, and wouldn’t leave me because of me religious belief. I was so happy, and yet sad with myself for not realizing that she loved me for me, not me for being a member of the church.
Later that year I decided that I would again begin reading the scriptures, and I would start with the foundation, the Old Testament. I felt I owed it to Melissa to try yet again. I’m really glad I did this. Why, you might say? Well, because while I had read the majority of the Holy Bible before, I had read it with what might be called God Goggles. I had read and understood it as the religion wanted me to, with the belief that god was good and the definition of love regardless of what he does. This time I was reading it not already having a belief in God, and not already believing that the god of the bible was good. I didn’t assume he was bad, rather, I just didn’t accept a belief in him.
I began an honest search for truth. My belief in God had been such an integral part of my life. I wanted to have my faith restored. I wanted to return to Him. I wanted to believe in him. I missed the feelings I continuously felt while engaged with religious services and activities. If you want to learn more about my search check out the post What I Learned in My Search.
Truth and Reconciliation
This is part six in an nine part series. To understand the rest of this post you will need to read part five. If you haven't already read it you may read part five here. Additionally, you can scroll to the end to find part seven.
I had been diagnosed with HSP, received multiple herniated discs, gone through more onsets of HSP, and been diagnosed with Kidney Failure. I was unable to reconcile these events and with everything else that had happened with my faith. At this point I had been flat on my back for a total of 12 weeks in the past few years. Not one meal had been brought over to us, but in that time we had been asked to bring no less than three meals to other people going through hard times. I went months and months without any sort of visit from any ecclesiastical leader. Everything I saw and heard discussed at every meeting I had ever attended was not applied to me, or to Melissa.
I had been diagnosed with HSP, received multiple herniated discs, gone through more onsets of HSP, and been diagnosed with Kidney Failure. I was unable to reconcile these events and with everything else that had happened with my faith. At this point I had been flat on my back for a total of 12 weeks in the past few years. Not one meal had been brought over to us, but in that time we had been asked to bring no less than three meals to other people going through hard times. I went months and months without any sort of visit from any ecclesiastical leader. Everything I saw and heard discussed at every meeting I had ever attended was not applied to me, or to Melissa.
I still didn’t know how to discuss these feelings with Melissa because you don’t question your faith, you just know that things will work out for the best. You exercise faith. Well, with where that had led me, I didn’t know how to do that. So I just didn’t do anything.
As previously stated I did stop attending church. The risk of getting sick again was not worth going. As the Young Men’s President I had been asked by the bishop on a number of occasions to coordinate bringing the sacrament to various people in the ward that were at home, unable to attend church. For months it was not offered to me. By the time it was offered I wasn’t interested in having it brought to me. I was having serious doubts about the reality of the deity I had always worshiped.
I went through the year, not moving in any direction. I spent some of my time reading scriptures and conference talks, trying to work things out. However every time I attended conference, or read Ensign articles, or attended church, I kept finding teachings or examples of people that went through a hard time, and had all sorts of support from the ward, or were blessed greatly for their faith. These were all things that didn’t happen for me. The only silver lining I could find is that I didn’t bleed out, and my kidneys did recover (which I am grateful for.)
That year, in 2014, I let my temple recommend expire. I had too many doubts about God to renew it. I eventually stopped doing anything to try and reconcile what had happened to me with my faith in God. I couldn’t take reading any more stories in the church magazine the Ensign and on lds.org that were directly contrary to what I had gone through.
The next year Melissa’s sister gave birth to her third child. We went up to Oregon for the baby blessing in June of 2015. While there the father of the child invited me to participate in the blessing of the child. I didn’t know how to respond. Fortunately this happened as we were walking out the door, so the fact that I didn't respond with much more than an "OK" or "Thank you" was fine. The next day, at the church meeting, I just didn’t go up to participate in the blessing and did not partake in the sacrament.
This of course, was a huge surprise to Melissa and all of her family. I have always been an extremely spiritual and deeply religious person, so this was new. The rest of the service went off without a hitch, as did pictures and dinner afterwards. I actually left church early so I could go take a nap in my hammock. I had a long 14 hour drive ahead of me starting later that afternoon.
After Melissa and I left she asked me if I wanted to talk about why I didn’t participate. I explained to her what was going on, what I had felt, what had happened, the trial of my faith I was going through. It was a good conversation that lasted a good long time. At last I was able to explain to her how I felt and what was going on.
In late summer or early fall of that year our bishop experienced a heart attack. He survived, had surgery, and began a long road of recovery. I don’t know what went through his mind, or what his thoughts were, because I didn’t ask. I do know that he recovered relatively quickly as he began attending church and returned to his calling within a month of the incident.
In November of that year one of the young men I had taught as an advisor came home from a mission. I was asked to speak at sacrament meeting with him. I agreed to do so. I was asked to present on Christlike attributes, and how I saw the young man grow into those attributes.
During my research for the talk I came to a realization that I was experiencing church hurt. I had prayed for somebody to come and visit me, or to come and help Melissa, and it just never happened. I was offended by the actions, or lack of actions, of other people, and should not let that get in the way of my belief in God. My faith was again restored and I was ready to move on and let the things that had, and had not happened, be left in the past. I believe, though I don't recall for sure, that I let Melissa know this was the case.
During my research for the talk I came to a realization that I was experiencing church hurt. I had prayed for somebody to come and visit me, or to come and help Melissa, and it just never happened. I was offended by the actions, or lack of actions, of other people, and should not let that get in the way of my belief in God. My faith was again restored and I was ready to move on and let the things that had, and had not happened, be left in the past. I believe, though I don't recall for sure, that I let Melissa know this was the case.
The next month, December 2015, Melissa and I attended tithing settlement. This is a meeting between your bishop and you (and your spouse) where you declare if you have been a full tithe payer. During my hard times I had never stopped paying tithing. While there the bishop talked, and talked, and talked, and talked. He then said something that hit me like a ton of bricks, and would change my life for the better.
He said that he knew that while he did go through his experience of a heart attack, he knew he was protected by God. He was protected because he had a calling that was so important, that made him important, that God protected him through it, and gave him the energy and strength to continue in his calling. He had been provided with plenty of help from ward members that helped him and his wife get through the trial.
This is a crazy spot to put this, but I think it's time for part seven.
Beans, Not Just a Magical Fruit
This is part five of a nine part series. To read part four click this link. To get to part six scroll to the end of this post.
I was going through my third onset of HSP. At this point it was determined to be not just HSP, but chronic IgA Vasculitis. The spots didn't keep to just my legs. They appeared on my abdomen and arms as well. With this ongoing onset that really didn’t end I saw various doctors.
A rheumatologist didn't find any problems, but advised I should have a kidney biopsy. When I saw my nephrologist the next day she actually advised that I should schedule a biopsy as well. I then told her that the rheumatologist had suggested the same thing. A biopsy was scheduled for December 18th, 2013.
On a side note, I hope you never have to take that much Prednisone. It sucks. It hurts. One minute you feel like you are going to die, the next you are great, and the cycle repeats. Every doctor I have seen since has asked how much I was given and their eyes do a triple blink and the jaw drops in wonder as that large of a dose is not common. Side rant done.
I was going through my third onset of HSP. At this point it was determined to be not just HSP, but chronic IgA Vasculitis. The spots didn't keep to just my legs. They appeared on my abdomen and arms as well. With this ongoing onset that really didn’t end I saw various doctors.
A rheumatologist didn't find any problems, but advised I should have a kidney biopsy. When I saw my nephrologist the next day she actually advised that I should schedule a biopsy as well. I then told her that the rheumatologist had suggested the same thing. A biopsy was scheduled for December 18th, 2013.
I went to the hospital early in the morning, around 6 or 6:30, and didn’t come home until about 5:00 PM. I had spent the entire day in a hospital bed, and the entire evening in my bed. It was a young men’s night. They went ice skating at the Olympic Oval in Kearns. I didn't go with them as I was recovering from the biopsy.
At about 9:30 one of the parents called asking where their child was. I explained I had been in a hospital bed the entire day and was now in bed at home, but that they could call person x to find out. This parent was a member of the Relief Society presidency. (One of the many great things the Relief Society does is help care for various needs of the people living in the area.) She knew I had something wrong with me, then did nothing to see if she, or the ward, could provide any sort of assistance (nobody is perfect).
At about 9:30 one of the parents called asking where their child was. I explained I had been in a hospital bed the entire day and was now in bed at home, but that they could call person x to find out. This parent was a member of the Relief Society presidency. (One of the many great things the Relief Society does is help care for various needs of the people living in the area.) She knew I had something wrong with me, then did nothing to see if she, or the ward, could provide any sort of assistance (nobody is perfect).
The next day I had two medical appointments. (It also happened to be the worst snowstorm of the year, knocking down power lines and causing all sorts of traffic delays.) It took two hours just to get to my first appointment. The first was at the wound clinic. The second appointment was with my nephrologist. The result of the biopsy was already in.
She expressed that she was glad I had been able to make it in. Her office had called me stating that no matter what time I got there I needed to come in. The reason: my kidneys were failing. The IGA was causing my kidneys, a bean shaped organ in the body, to harden and fail. They weren't just damaged, or hurt, but failing. Fortunately it was just stage one. I was immediately placed on 100 mg of prednisone every day, along with six other medications. The six were to counter the side effects of the Prednisone, or to counter the side effects of the counter drugs.
She expressed that she was glad I had been able to make it in. Her office had called me stating that no matter what time I got there I needed to come in. The reason: my kidneys were failing. The IGA was causing my kidneys, a bean shaped organ in the body, to harden and fail. They weren't just damaged, or hurt, but failing. Fortunately it was just stage one. I was immediately placed on 100 mg of prednisone every day, along with six other medications. The six were to counter the side effects of the Prednisone, or to counter the side effects of the counter drugs.
On a side note, I hope you never have to take that much Prednisone. It sucks. It hurts. One minute you feel like you are going to die, the next you are great, and the cycle repeats. Every doctor I have seen since has asked how much I was given and their eyes do a triple blink and the jaw drops in wonder as that large of a dose is not common. Side rant done.
My nephrologist advised that while on the prednisone I should avoid public gatherings as not only would the Rx help my kidneys, it would suppress my immune system. I asked her about church, and she said she didn’t have much knowledge of how church works, but if there would be people congregating in close proximity I should stay away. As I had just recently renewed my faith I didn’t want to not go, but realized the importance of her instructions.
I advised my bishop I should probably be released from my calling as young men's president. He told me that if I would continue in my calling, faithfully doing all I could, God would keep me safe. I said Ok. I figured that I could just stay out in the foyer through the first two meetings (away from large groups), and then go teach the young men. It worked fine for just under one and a half months.
Near the end of January, 2014, after the first church meeting of the day, somebody came out into the foyer and saw me, came straight over to shake my hand (which I refused due to the passing of germs), and coughed all over me. He said, “Oh, sorry, I’ve had the flu” (or maybe just a cold, I don’t remember for sure). “It’s not been that bad, but I’m really glad I came to church today. (Cough, cough, cough) The talks were great, and I haven’t (cough cough cough (me thinking COVER YOUR MOUTH!)) seen you in awhile, and I enjoy seeing your bright happy face.”
Near the end of January, 2014, after the first church meeting of the day, somebody came out into the foyer and saw me, came straight over to shake my hand (which I refused due to the passing of germs), and coughed all over me. He said, “Oh, sorry, I’ve had the flu” (or maybe just a cold, I don’t remember for sure). “It’s not been that bad, but I’m really glad I came to church today. (Cough, cough, cough) The talks were great, and I haven’t (cough cough cough (me thinking COVER YOUR MOUTH!)) seen you in awhile, and I enjoy seeing your bright happy face.”
What happened next? Yup, you guessed it, I got sick. I didn’t really get sick until Thursday of that week. On Friday I really didn’t feel well, but went to work anyway. While there I had a hard time getting my work done. Breathing was labored, thinking was difficult, so I called to schedule a doctor appointment. They couldn’t get me in, but advised that I could come in at 4:45 for the after hours urgent care.
I left work early to pick up Melissa and go see a doctor. In the morning I had parked the car in the parking garage at work. I parked at about the same spot every day. I left the building (coincidentally) with a coworker, and when we got to the parking structure I couldn't find my car. I thought somebody had stolen it. I wandered the two level garage for 15 minutes looking for my car. The coworker would later tell me that I looked deranged and extremely sick. I was about to go and call the police, but finally realized I was looking on the wrong level. I had forgotten that there are two levels in the parking structure.
I wasn't well enough to realize I shouldn't drive. I picked up Melissa and she brought me to the clinic. She waited with me for a while, but then went to get dinner for herself. While she was gone I was seen by the doctor. After listening to me breathe the doctor brought in a machine, hooked me up to a number of electrodes, and took some readings.
I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Without an immune system the cold quickly caused massive problems that prevented me from getting enough oxygen. It was constricting my lungs. When people die from the flu this is the type of thing that kills them. It’s not the flu, but the side effects of the flu. I didn’t want to be the next statistic. I was too young to die, and for such a silly reason.
I wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Without an immune system the cold quickly caused massive problems that prevented me from getting enough oxygen. It was constricting my lungs. When people die from the flu this is the type of thing that kills them. It’s not the flu, but the side effects of the flu. I didn’t want to be the next statistic. I was too young to die, and for such a silly reason.
The next thing I knew I was being hauled off to the hospital in an ambulance. I must say the EMT's that poke your veins while a vehicle is moving do fantastic work. The ride was quick, but felt like forever, and one long night was just beginning. I arrived to the U of U ER at about 8:00 PM. I was seen rather quickly and admitted to the hospital at about 9:45, but wasn’t given a room until about 4:00 AM. I was placed on antibiotics along with the many other Rx’s I was already consuming. After about 24 hours I was discharged from the hospital.
That was one simple trip to church that became a costly three hours. Fortunately (or not) I was already at my out of pocket max for the year, so I didn’t have to pay a dime for any of it. At this point I told my bishop I would no longer be attending church as I didn’t want to go through that again, and he would need to replace me. He again told me I would be blessed for fulfilling my calling, I told him he would need to find a replacement. We worked out a deal for the next couple of weeks and he found a replacement. At that point my faith in God, Jesus of Nazareth, and the LDS Church was less than it had ever been.
I was still going to the wound clinic. You see, a side effect of prednisone is that it prevents wounds from healing. However, it was necessary to stop the kidney failure from progressing. I had been going to the wound clinic nearly weekly, biweekly, or monthly beginning in April 2013 and didn’t stop going until August 2014 (there was a small stretch from the middle of August 2013 to the middle of October 2013 with no appointments) . I had 42 appointments to get the wounds cleaned and help the skin to regrow.
I didn’t understand how, with so many promises from priesthood leaders, priesthood blessings, prayers, my name being placed on the temple prayer roll, prayers from people adhering to other christian flavors, this could have happened. The first time, well, while it doesn’t happen often to adults, it can happen, and could happen to anybody. Second and third onsets are even more rare than getting it once as an adult, so most people that get it don’t have to deal with it a second time. However, because I was fulfilling my calling I had to deal with it a second time, and then a third time.
So what did I do? If interested you can read the next part in this series, part six.
So what did I do? If interested you can read the next part in this series, part six.
A New Reign of Terror
This is the fourth part of a series of nine posts. To see the third do the thing with the mouse right here. To find the fifth scroll to the end of this post.
While playing basketball with the Young men I was serving I noticed some rashing on my legs. It slowly got worse. I knew that too much physical stress could result in a new onset of HSP, but I didn't think I had done much more than I normally did. I always tried to take it easy and not push myself physically. I didn't want another bout of HSP. I scheduled an appointment with my dermatologist and...... well, I would begin my second onset of HSP.
This onset was in some ways worse than the first onset. It not only impacted my legs and ankles, but my feet and toes as well. The picture in the second post is from this onset. This made working, even a desk job, rather difficult. The swelling was intense, the pain excruciating. I ended up taking six weeks off work. I again found myself flat on my back, with my feet elevated. I hadn't been working at my employer very long and didn't have paid leave for all of the six weeks. I again found myself injured, unable to work, without pay, and needing to go to the wound clinic to have my wounds cared for.
While discussing with my doctor the possible reasons this onset happened it was found that all that I was doing for my calling is probably what caused the new onset. While the normal onset is due to a cold or the flu, it can also be caused by too much stress on the body. The physical stress was just too much.
This caused me to question a number of aspects of my faith. So what did I do? I asked for priesthood blessings and carried on. I didn’t know how to discuss these doubts with anybody because you don’t discuss doubts about your faith. You just have faith and know that things will turn out for the better. Things happen for a reason and you need to learn what God would have you learn. Be humble about it, and it will make you a better person. Endure and you will find true happiness.
While playing basketball with the Young men I was serving I noticed some rashing on my legs. It slowly got worse. I knew that too much physical stress could result in a new onset of HSP, but I didn't think I had done much more than I normally did. I always tried to take it easy and not push myself physically. I didn't want another bout of HSP. I scheduled an appointment with my dermatologist and...... well, I would begin my second onset of HSP.
This onset was in some ways worse than the first onset. It not only impacted my legs and ankles, but my feet and toes as well. The picture in the second post is from this onset. This made working, even a desk job, rather difficult. The swelling was intense, the pain excruciating. I ended up taking six weeks off work. I again found myself flat on my back, with my feet elevated. I hadn't been working at my employer very long and didn't have paid leave for all of the six weeks. I again found myself injured, unable to work, without pay, and needing to go to the wound clinic to have my wounds cared for.
Part of my calling in my church required me to attend weekly or bi weekly meetings. During those meetings I listened to my bishoprics and relief society presidencies talk about all the many times that they went and visited sick people in the ward, brought them meals, and helped various people in the ward with their basic needs.
During this onset, as well as the prior, there were no visits from anybody in my ward, save a couple that we are friends with. No meals were brought in. No assistance was given to my wife. I had been planning a week long trip for the boys in Yellowstone National park, but had to cancel due to my wounds. I had again begun looking for an assistant in January of that year, but hadn’t found one, so there was no weeklong camp for the boys that year.
Please don't think I am saying that nobody showed compassion. People constantly asked me how I was doing. My bishopric showed genuine concern for me, as did other people in my ward. I just didn't get the attention I knew other people received.
I had been doing all I could to fulfill my calling: visiting the boys that weren’t actively coming to church, inviting them to activities, doing all I could to help them with the scouting program, giving of my time and energy. I wondered why in the world this happened again. I did not have a recent cold. Did I not learn enough from the first bout? What new lesson did I possibly need? What did God want me to learn?Please don't think I am saying that nobody showed compassion. People constantly asked me how I was doing. My bishopric showed genuine concern for me, as did other people in my ward. I just didn't get the attention I knew other people received.
While discussing with my doctor the possible reasons this onset happened it was found that all that I was doing for my calling is probably what caused the new onset. While the normal onset is due to a cold or the flu, it can also be caused by too much stress on the body. The physical stress was just too much.
This caused me to question a number of aspects of my faith. So what did I do? I asked for priesthood blessings and carried on. I didn’t know how to discuss these doubts with anybody because you don’t discuss doubts about your faith. You just have faith and know that things will turn out for the better. Things happen for a reason and you need to learn what God would have you learn. Be humble about it, and it will make you a better person. Endure and you will find true happiness.
Well, my wounds were mostly healed by July of that year, and since I had already scheduled the time off work for the campout (that didn’t happen) Melissa (my wife) and I went on a two week road trip. We went to see her sister and family in Oregon. After a few days we then went up to Washington. I had served my mission in central Washington. I felt that maybe a return to those areas, and visiting with the people I had served and taught, would give me the increased faith I felt that I needed.
While we were gone my wounds healed up. I was able to connect with many people that had meant so much to me as a missionary. It was awesome. I felt rejuvenated. I had the increase in faith I needed. We arrived home early in August and a little more than a week later the scouts were planning a campout to Haystack Lake in the Uintah’s. I wasn’t going to go, but my friend, and an assistant with the Venture scouts, said he would carry most of my gear for me. I would just need to bring my food and clothes. The hike isn’t long or strenuous and I had made it many times; I decided to go on the campout.
Prior to our trip to Oregon and Washington my doctor had advised that I was fine to go on fairly simple and basic hikes, as long as I could still care for the wounds, and that continued physical activity was necessary. Given how simple this hike would be, (and all I would do at the campout would be to sit in my hammock and rest) I didn’t see any problem with going. With my newly invigorated faith I set forth to continue fulfilling my calling. Well, it was a bad idea. The day we came back from the overnight campout I had a new onset of HSP. While this onset wasn’t as visually bad as the prior two, it was in some ways worse.
This new onset hit my feet, tops and sides, ankles, and of all places, between my toes. None of the wounds were crazy huge, and I was able to have Melissa help me with the bandages and wound care. In order for the skin to grow back it needs the correct amount of moisture under the bandages. So, this meant no shoes so I could keep my feet from getting too hot. However, as one wound would heal, another would form. This onset continued in small batches for a few months. It eventually got to the point that we couldn’t care for them, and I ended up going back to the wound clinic. This onset and recurrences went from early August 2013 to sometime in December 2013.
This time I didn't end up having to take long times off work, but it still sucked. I wouldn't wish for anybody to go through anything I'd been through. It is horrific and crazy painful. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse.....see part five here.
Yes, It Got Worse
This post is the third in a series of nine. To see the second go here. To see the fourth scroll to the end of the post.
One day at work, while trying to help get one of the orders out the door, I fainted from the back pain I was in. I was going through physical therapy for my back, but it wasn't enough. To this day my back hasn’t fully healed. I eventually found some temporary full time employment at a desk job that turned into a permanent position.
I was in constant pain due to the accident. As I couldn't sleep in a normal bed camping became impossible. However, a friend showed me the world of hammocking, and suddenly staying somewhere besides my bed was no longer impossible. Due to the back injuries sustained in the accident I have never recovered the ability to work as I did prior to the accident.
In February 2013 the younger boy scouts went on a snowshoeing hike/campout to donut falls, and we older boys, joined them. While this adventure was rather taxing on me, I did it just fine. In March we played a number of basketball games with the adults playing against the young men. This was in addition to the regular physical therapy I regularly participated in. It really wasn’t a lot more than I normally did.
I played the first few games just fine, but then during the last game (over a series of weeks) I realized there were some bumps on my legs. I thought maybe it was a rash..... If you want to read more please see the fourth posting of this series.
I had been diagnosed with HSP by a dermatologist. After the lab work came back I was called by his office and they advised I should see a nephrologist. I had to look that up. A nephrologist is a kidney doctor. I called an office that only has nephrologists. They couldn't see me for a month. Then one called me back and said she would get me in asap, on January 7th 2011.
On the day of the appointment, while still dealing with the HSP and the wounds on my legs, I was on my way to work. While crossing the road in my 1983 suburban I was hit by a Ford F-650 that ran a red light. All I had to do was cross the intersection and I would have been at work. The F-650 tow truck that hit me weighs over 12,000 pounds.
This accident caused lifelong back problems and multiple herniated discs. I didn't realize how bad I was hurt because as part of the treatment for the HSP I was using about 1000 mg of ibUprofen per day. After I stopped taking the ibUprofen the back pain became tremendous. I found myself unable to work. Fortunately the nephrologist didn't find anything too concerning. She just asked me to keep monitoring my situation.
Due to injuries sustained in the accident I ended up flat on my back, feet elevated, unable to work, play, clean, or care for myself for about six weeks. This put quite the strain on my wife, leaving her to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, and to care for me, not to mention no income. I was in constant pain. I couldn't sleep on my bed. I tried many things, stacked pillows, wedge pillows, side sleeping, back sleeping, and it just didn't matter. The only way I could sleep was on the couch with my feet elevated on the arm. (I would eventually come into an adjustable bed, making it possible for me to sleep somewhere besides the couch.)
While I was out my wife (who worked a full time job along with caring for me) was asked to bring at least one meal to other members in the ward during that time. The husband had just gone through an outpatient shoulder surgery and was out for a week. I could rant on this for a while, but I won't. I got over it quickly, realizing nobody is perfect, and I was able to have some normalcy after six weeks.
During this time I was serving as the assistant scoutmaster and as the Deacon's Quorum adviser, kind of like a youth pastor, in my church. I made the effort on Sunday's to go to church and teach the group of boys I was serving. Prior to my legs fully healing I was called to be the Young Men’s president (still like a youth pastor for a different age group) and Venture Scout leader.
I advised my bishop that I may not be able to do the physical requirements of the calling. My bishop said that that we could look for an assistant that could perform the physical aspects (no matter how I looked I couldn’t find an assistant), but that I would be blessed and protected, and would have the energy for fulfilling my calling. I listened to his promise and moved forward with faith.
My leg wounds finished healing by the end of July, 2011. While I was able to return to work (months prior to this), I wasn’t able to return to being a chef. My back just couldn't handle the labor. I was working in sales for the catering company. While not the height of the recession, I couldn't find anybody that wanted to buy catering. I went months and months without a significant paycheck.
I was in constant pain due to the accident. As I couldn't sleep in a normal bed camping became impossible. However, a friend showed me the world of hammocking, and suddenly staying somewhere besides my bed was no longer impossible. Due to the back injuries sustained in the accident I have never recovered the ability to work as I did prior to the accident.
After a year of being the Young Men's president I stopped looking for an assistant scout leader and trusted in my bishop’s words. I was physically fine and was able to perform my calling, the physical aspects as well, without many problems, just a lot of back pain.
I played the first few games just fine, but then during the last game (over a series of weeks) I realized there were some bumps on my legs. I thought maybe it was a rash..... If you want to read more please see the fourth posting of this series.
The 30 Year Fight
This post is the second in a series of 9. If you want to read the first post you can find it here. If you want to read the third post scroll to the bottom for a link.
In December 2010 I had a cold. It came on strong, and within three days it was gone. I was working as the production manager and executive chef for a catering company at the time. Since it was December I worked a lot of hours, sometimes from 6 am to 11 pm or later. Needless to say I was glad the cold left so quickly.
About 10 days later, on the 20th, I noticed some little spots on my legs. They itched a little, and resembled small zits. There weren't just a couple spots, there were lots of them. No, not just lots, they were all over my legs, from just above my knee down to the bottom of my ankle. After using some over the counter medication lotions I went to the urgent care as no doctor in my network could see me for nearly a month. The diagnosis was folliculitis. I was given an antibiotic and sent on my way. After a few days there wasn't any improvement; the spots were worse than they had been.
I went back to the clinic sometime between Christmas and New Years. The attending doctor referred me to a dermatologist. I got in the next day. His diagnosis was HSP, Henoch-Schönlein Purpura. It’s a nasty disease. You can look it up if you want to learn more than I share about it. As a warning I've included a picture of what happened to me at one point. It's fairly graphic, so if you get sick at the sight of bodily injury, don't look (and have fun not not looking and reading the post).
The basics of HSP are that your immune system produces too much immunoglobulin. The blood, rich with immunoglobulin, then attacks various parts of your body. In my case it was the veins and capillaries (this is the most common symptom). The blood then leaves the veins and capillaries and leaves through the pores in your skin, creating the purpura, spots on the skin. They look like little red zits all over your skin. It normally onsets about 10 days after one has an upper respiratory illness, such as the common cold.
This is a child's disease that is rare in children, and even more rare in adults. When you get this as an adult (as in my case) it can be rather horrific. My body took the rather horrific approach. This picture is just a sampling of what happened. It is from my second onset. You can see some of the stains from the prior onset. The stains are much smaller than the original wounds.
The patch at the far right of the picture is a stain from the first onset. All of the surrounding dark area was gone, along with the patch, just like you see happening on and below the ankle.
In December 2010 I had a cold. It came on strong, and within three days it was gone. I was working as the production manager and executive chef for a catering company at the time. Since it was December I worked a lot of hours, sometimes from 6 am to 11 pm or later. Needless to say I was glad the cold left so quickly.
About 10 days later, on the 20th, I noticed some little spots on my legs. They itched a little, and resembled small zits. There weren't just a couple spots, there were lots of them. No, not just lots, they were all over my legs, from just above my knee down to the bottom of my ankle. After using some over the counter medication lotions I went to the urgent care as no doctor in my network could see me for nearly a month. The diagnosis was folliculitis. I was given an antibiotic and sent on my way. After a few days there wasn't any improvement; the spots were worse than they had been.
I went back to the clinic sometime between Christmas and New Years. The attending doctor referred me to a dermatologist. I got in the next day. His diagnosis was HSP, Henoch-Schönlein Purpura. It’s a nasty disease. You can look it up if you want to learn more than I share about it. As a warning I've included a picture of what happened to me at one point. It's fairly graphic, so if you get sick at the sight of bodily injury, don't look (and have fun not not looking and reading the post).
The basics of HSP are that your immune system produces too much immunoglobulin. The blood, rich with immunoglobulin, then attacks various parts of your body. In my case it was the veins and capillaries (this is the most common symptom). The blood then leaves the veins and capillaries and leaves through the pores in your skin, creating the purpura, spots on the skin. They look like little red zits all over your skin. It normally onsets about 10 days after one has an upper respiratory illness, such as the common cold.
This is a child's disease that is rare in children, and even more rare in adults. When you get this as an adult (as in my case) it can be rather horrific. My body took the rather horrific approach. This picture is just a sampling of what happened. It is from my second onset. You can see some of the stains from the prior onset. The stains are much smaller than the original wounds.
The patch at the far right of the picture is a stain from the first onset. All of the surrounding dark area was gone, along with the patch, just like you see happening on and below the ankle.
I had so many purpura in such concentration that it created massive open wounds all over my calves, shins, ankles, and up to my knees, on both legs. When I say open wounds I mean it ate all of my skin (as you can see above) in large chunks. The bleeding through my pores was so violent that it caused necrosis of the skin.
The immune problem eventually resolved on it’s own. However, I required months of therapy at a wound clinic to recover full use of my legs. To this day I am still famous there. You see, they raised me up in this chair and started to clean out the wounds. The scraping and cleaning was so painful that I fainted while in the raised chair. I thought this was bad enough, but it just got worse from there. The next thing that happened hurt, like a sharpened stick stuck in my back.
To see what happened next read the next post, the third in the series.
The immune problem eventually resolved on it’s own. However, I required months of therapy at a wound clinic to recover full use of my legs. To this day I am still famous there. You see, they raised me up in this chair and started to clean out the wounds. The scraping and cleaning was so painful that I fainted while in the raised chair. I thought this was bad enough, but it just got worse from there. The next thing that happened hurt, like a sharpened stick stuck in my back.
To see what happened next read the next post, the third in the series.
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