I began working on this post prior to the LDS church coming out with a revised policy on temple sealings and weddings in some countries. While I was working on the post the new policy came out so I revised the post a little.
Life is full of important events. For each of us they start at birth and end at death. Some important events, to name a few, could be starting or finishing school, a first date, moving out of your parents house, getting your first job, retiring from your last job, birthdays, promotions, failures, and successes. The important events of life vary from person to person. For most people there are a few events that really are all cherry (or your favorite topping) on top. They have just the right amount of sweet, sour, savory, or ambrosia on the tongue.
For me some of these events have been birthdays, my baptism into the LDS church, performing in concerts, participating in the school play, completing high school, going on an LDS mission, coming home from said mission, and getting married. Some of these events were important for not just me, but for people around me. I'm positive my parents were proud of all of those events. I had family and friends, from young to old, immediate to extended, that have celebrated them with me.
When I was married to my love, Melissa, we decided to get married in a temple of the LDS church. This one was located in American Fork, Utah. For some background in order to go to the temple you must be a member of the LDS church. Not only must you be a member but you also must be a full tithe payer (10% of your income to the church), and express a knowledge or belief that the church is the only true church of their god, that Joseph Smith was his prophet, that the Book of Mormon is true, and a few more things as well. You also must have already gone through the temple for yourself. If you don't meet those requirements the most you can do is wait outside the temple for the happy couple to exit. Melissa and I both had family in and out of state that couldn't attend the temple due to not being members, not being active in the church, or not having gone through the temple for themselves. Even though they couldn't come to the temple they still came to see us afterwards.
For Mormons getting married in the temple isn't just a wedding (well, it is, but to believing members, it isn't), it is a sealing. You are sealed to your spouse for not just this life, but the life after this one. The sacredness of the temple and this sealing ceremony are some of the reasons why only certain people can be in the temple. Being sealed in the temple is so special that it is not just normal, but recommended, to be sealed in the temple. This means skipping the civil marriage and going straight to the temple. To this end the church made a policy stating that if you wed civilily you cannot be sealed in the temple for a period of one year. See Handbook 1 section 5 (the version prior to May 2019 when the policy changed). I've provided a link to a PDF. Just keep in mind that the church has often removed this handbook from the internet, so you may have to do a search for lds handbook 1.
In this handbook they do suggest having an additional ceremony of some sort afterwards, though this was never mentioned to me by any bishop, steak president, or marriage preparation teacher prior to my sealing. However I was told and read things like the following from Russell M Nelson. He stated 'The best choice is a celestial marriage. Thankfully, if a lesser choice has previously been made, a choice can now be made to upgrade it to the best choice. That requires a mighty change of heart and a permanent personal upgrade. Blessings so derived are worth all efforts made.' See the Ensign, November 2008, 'Celestial Marriage'.
While this statement came after I was married, there were many similar statements made while I was preparing for adulthood and marriage. I remember reading this talk by a past prophet, especially the part under "Do Your Own Temple Work". It is a talk by Spencer W Kimball given in 1973. As a young adult member of the church this meant to me that getting married civilly and waiting the year to get married was not something I could do. It was inferior to getting sealed first in the temple. In my mind there was no other choice. No other options were presented to me, and I failed to think for myself (as the church often teaches you to do). The only option I had was to be sealed in the temple. So now it came down to how many people I would be including and excluding from my wedding.
When push came to shove, due to the above and other circumstances (that won't be discussed here), I excluded the majority of my extended family from my wedding. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and my three remaining grandparents were all left out. Melissa has an aunt, one of the best aunts that has ever existed, that we excluded as well, along with other extended family members. Fortunately neither of us were put into a situation where we would have needed to exclude a parent.
This exclusion from such an important life event has been a weight on my mind ever since. I'm sure most of the people I excluded have never let it bother them the way it has me, but it really bothered me. The policy from Handbook 1 also stated that the one year waiting period could be waived if one of the following conditions was met:
1) Both the civil marriage and the temple sealing take place in countries that do not recognize a temple marriage and that require a civil marriage.
2) The couple live in a country where there is not a temple and the laws of the country do not recognize a marriage performed outside the country.
In essence, in some countries it's OK to allow a civil marriage and an immediate or near immediate temple sealing. However, in the USA, this wasn't good enough. I knew this before I was sealed in the temple, but didn't take any time to think about it.
Since I left the church it has bothered me even more. The hurt I have felt, along with any hurt I passed on to my family members, is not necessary. I didn't think this policy would ever change. However, they surprised me. I'm glad that they have finally made a step in the correct direction. Now in places like the US you are able to skip the year wait if, and only if, an immediate family member won't be able to attend the sealing. It's not good enough, but it's a step.
Since I have left the church I have felt the sting of exclusion. I have been excluded from family members weddings for Melissa's siblings and cousins. I have been asked to help with receptions (I have an extensive background in food service), but have been excluded from the weddings as they took place in the temple. I helped because I love people. I helped for the same reason that my wife's aunt has shown up to all of her nieces and nephews temple weddings. She loves and supports her family. I love and support my family, even when they are not my blood family. While I would give this support again, I do have some suggestions for the members of the church looking to get married.
Your sealing is vastly more important than a wedding. It is not the same as a wedding. As a member of the church you must realize this difference. You must understand that your sealing is an important life event, vastly more important than getting married. If you want proof of this just read the most recent statements about the policy change. To exclude your family from a life event that you do not need to is a little cruel. Can I say that? Yes, I can. I am guilty of having been cruel. I'm sure most members of the church come from the same situation as myself. They weren't presented a different option and didn't take the time to think about the situation.
If you are a member of the LDS church, reading this, and are planning to get married soon, I urge you to not exclude your family or other people you love from your wedding. Your sealing is so much more important that the seemingly simple act of getting married. Include your parents. Include your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, or your best friend that isn't a member of your church. Hold a ceremony outside the temple. The people you know and love are important. It's time to show them that they are important by doing things in a way that tells them they are important. There is no shame in getting married and having to wait any amount of time to be sealed.
Life is full of important events. For each of us they start at birth and end at death. Some important events, to name a few, could be starting or finishing school, a first date, moving out of your parents house, getting your first job, retiring from your last job, birthdays, promotions, failures, and successes. The important events of life vary from person to person. For most people there are a few events that really are all cherry (or your favorite topping) on top. They have just the right amount of sweet, sour, savory, or ambrosia on the tongue.
For me some of these events have been birthdays, my baptism into the LDS church, performing in concerts, participating in the school play, completing high school, going on an LDS mission, coming home from said mission, and getting married. Some of these events were important for not just me, but for people around me. I'm positive my parents were proud of all of those events. I had family and friends, from young to old, immediate to extended, that have celebrated them with me.
When I was married to my love, Melissa, we decided to get married in a temple of the LDS church. This one was located in American Fork, Utah. For some background in order to go to the temple you must be a member of the LDS church. Not only must you be a member but you also must be a full tithe payer (10% of your income to the church), and express a knowledge or belief that the church is the only true church of their god, that Joseph Smith was his prophet, that the Book of Mormon is true, and a few more things as well. You also must have already gone through the temple for yourself. If you don't meet those requirements the most you can do is wait outside the temple for the happy couple to exit. Melissa and I both had family in and out of state that couldn't attend the temple due to not being members, not being active in the church, or not having gone through the temple for themselves. Even though they couldn't come to the temple they still came to see us afterwards.
For Mormons getting married in the temple isn't just a wedding (well, it is, but to believing members, it isn't), it is a sealing. You are sealed to your spouse for not just this life, but the life after this one. The sacredness of the temple and this sealing ceremony are some of the reasons why only certain people can be in the temple. Being sealed in the temple is so special that it is not just normal, but recommended, to be sealed in the temple. This means skipping the civil marriage and going straight to the temple. To this end the church made a policy stating that if you wed civilily you cannot be sealed in the temple for a period of one year. See Handbook 1 section 5 (the version prior to May 2019 when the policy changed). I've provided a link to a PDF. Just keep in mind that the church has often removed this handbook from the internet, so you may have to do a search for lds handbook 1.
In this handbook they do suggest having an additional ceremony of some sort afterwards, though this was never mentioned to me by any bishop, steak president, or marriage preparation teacher prior to my sealing. However I was told and read things like the following from Russell M Nelson. He stated 'The best choice is a celestial marriage. Thankfully, if a lesser choice has previously been made, a choice can now be made to upgrade it to the best choice. That requires a mighty change of heart and a permanent personal upgrade. Blessings so derived are worth all efforts made.' See the Ensign, November 2008, 'Celestial Marriage'.
While this statement came after I was married, there were many similar statements made while I was preparing for adulthood and marriage. I remember reading this talk by a past prophet, especially the part under "Do Your Own Temple Work". It is a talk by Spencer W Kimball given in 1973. As a young adult member of the church this meant to me that getting married civilly and waiting the year to get married was not something I could do. It was inferior to getting sealed first in the temple. In my mind there was no other choice. No other options were presented to me, and I failed to think for myself (as the church often teaches you to do). The only option I had was to be sealed in the temple. So now it came down to how many people I would be including and excluding from my wedding.
When push came to shove, due to the above and other circumstances (that won't be discussed here), I excluded the majority of my extended family from my wedding. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and my three remaining grandparents were all left out. Melissa has an aunt, one of the best aunts that has ever existed, that we excluded as well, along with other extended family members. Fortunately neither of us were put into a situation where we would have needed to exclude a parent.
This exclusion from such an important life event has been a weight on my mind ever since. I'm sure most of the people I excluded have never let it bother them the way it has me, but it really bothered me. The policy from Handbook 1 also stated that the one year waiting period could be waived if one of the following conditions was met:
1) Both the civil marriage and the temple sealing take place in countries that do not recognize a temple marriage and that require a civil marriage.
2) The couple live in a country where there is not a temple and the laws of the country do not recognize a marriage performed outside the country.
In essence, in some countries it's OK to allow a civil marriage and an immediate or near immediate temple sealing. However, in the USA, this wasn't good enough. I knew this before I was sealed in the temple, but didn't take any time to think about it.
Since I left the church it has bothered me even more. The hurt I have felt, along with any hurt I passed on to my family members, is not necessary. I didn't think this policy would ever change. However, they surprised me. I'm glad that they have finally made a step in the correct direction. Now in places like the US you are able to skip the year wait if, and only if, an immediate family member won't be able to attend the sealing. It's not good enough, but it's a step.
Since I have left the church I have felt the sting of exclusion. I have been excluded from family members weddings for Melissa's siblings and cousins. I have been asked to help with receptions (I have an extensive background in food service), but have been excluded from the weddings as they took place in the temple. I helped because I love people. I helped for the same reason that my wife's aunt has shown up to all of her nieces and nephews temple weddings. She loves and supports her family. I love and support my family, even when they are not my blood family. While I would give this support again, I do have some suggestions for the members of the church looking to get married.
Your sealing is vastly more important than a wedding. It is not the same as a wedding. As a member of the church you must realize this difference. You must understand that your sealing is an important life event, vastly more important than getting married. If you want proof of this just read the most recent statements about the policy change. To exclude your family from a life event that you do not need to is a little cruel. Can I say that? Yes, I can. I am guilty of having been cruel. I'm sure most members of the church come from the same situation as myself. They weren't presented a different option and didn't take the time to think about the situation.
If you are a member of the LDS church, reading this, and are planning to get married soon, I urge you to not exclude your family or other people you love from your wedding. Your sealing is so much more important that the seemingly simple act of getting married. Include your parents. Include your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, or your best friend that isn't a member of your church. Hold a ceremony outside the temple. The people you know and love are important. It's time to show them that they are important by doing things in a way that tells them they are important. There is no shame in getting married and having to wait any amount of time to be sealed.
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